The Misadventures and Exploits of a Host Club
by thebeelzenefs
Summary: From humble beginnings to growing up together, they're more than just a club; they're a family. This is a collaborative work brought to you by two rabid fangirls, and will span across many years with our lovely hosts.


Once upon a time, Tama-chan was walking through the forest. "What shall I do today?" he wondered out loud, "I think skipping will give me some good ideas!" So the prince began to skip around the woods talking to all the magical animals.

Hani-senpai, get off the computer! Er—Excuse him.

**Meeting One**

It is a dark and stormy night. Well, it's not dark and stormy at all, and it's really not nighttime either, so let's just say it was a blistering hot August afternoon—TAMAKI LIKES HARUUUUHHI. ~Tamaki and Haruhi forever~ 3 Haruhi Suoh~~~

TAMAKI. What did I tell you? All of you, clear out! This is _my_ writing room.

Sorry about that. Let's go on with the story...

* * *

><p>Tamaki regards his assembled club with a pleased, slightly smug expression. His eyes are gleaming wickedly. "All right, men!" he says. "Welcome to the first, official meeting of—wait for it—are you waiting for it—are you?"<p>

"Get on with it, Suoh," the twins chorus in monotone. They, along with three other teenage boys, are lazing on Tamaki's velvet sofa. The interior of the Suoh Residence has high arching ceilings, marble floors and elegant drapery.

"Right then," Tamaki says, his grin never faltering. He paces back and forth with a manic enthusiasm not shared by his comrades. "Welcome to the Host Club! First meeting! Aren't you all excited?"

"I can hardly," the twin on the left drawls (Kaoru, perhaps?), "contain myself," his brother finishes. One of the twins is draped across his brother's shoulders, twirling a strand of his hair. They are exactly identical, down to each freckle, each quirk in their mouths, their eyebrows contract to show their discontent. Their hair is freshly cut and spiked up; no longer the atrocious bowl cut of yesteryear.

Takashi Morinozuka, a silent boy who towers over the rest of them like some sort of terrifying _(to Tamaki_) statue, blinks and stares at the twins from over the top of Mitskuni Haninozuka's blonde fluffy head. Are Hikaru and Kaoru going to say everything at the same time? Takashi shudders. It's quite disconcerting.

"As vice president, I'd also like to welcome everyone." Kyoya Ootori, Tamaki Suoh's reluctant best friend, stands and brushes himself off, always the businessman. "We should get to work, wouldn't you agree?"

Tamaki nods like a bobble head. "Of course we should, Kyoya! Good idea, chap."

Mitskuni, the smallest (and yet, oldest) boy, is swinging his feet merrily. They don't touch the floor. "What's a Host Club, anyway, Tama-chan?" he asks, cradling a stuffed rabbit. "Can we have lotsa cakes? And cookies? And fancy desserts? And cupcakes, and candy, and fancy desserts and cookies—" He's cut off by Takashi's hand clasped firmly over his mouth. "Continue," Takashi says to Kyoya. Mitskuni gives an outraged murmur against Takashi's hand.

Kyoya smirks, and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Yes, we can have all those, Haninozuka-senpai," he says.

Tamaki jumps up and down, eager to answer his senpai's question. "And a Host Club, Hani-senpai, is like a big party over and over again!" he beams, flourishing his hand. "We entertain girls who are bored to tears, because we are bored to tears as well!" He makes a tragic gesture, and leans against Kyoya.

"We were thinking of having daily cosplays," Kyoya pipes in, ignoring the blonde weight against his shoulder. "And of course, profitable items could be sold..." his voice trails off.

"Profitable items?" the Hitachiin twins repeat skeptically. "What, like, sell our underwear?" one of them demands. The other laughs.

Kyoya looks sideways at Tamaki, his eyes giving a '_hey, not a bad idea'_ look, but Tamaki's eyes are elsewhere. "So," Tamaki says to rest of them. "To attract our most important customers—the lovely ladies of Ouran High School, of course—we each must identify with a certain personality type, don't you think?"

Kyoya continues: "Certain girls are attracted to, say, a _little boy_ type. Or, ah, Lolita..." Everyone's eyes find Mitskuni and he blinks. "Oh, that's me!"

"That one's a bit obvious," Kyoya scoffs.

"Of course, there are others _far more_ obvious!" Tamaki brushes his hair out of his eyes, giving Kyoya an expectant glance.

"Obviously, you're the Annoying Type," the twins chorus, exchanging mischievous grins.

Tamaki looks crestfallen. "What? No! I'm not! Never, in all my life—"

"Egotistical Type, then?" they venture.

"Never!"

"Girlish."

"KYOYA, ARE YOU GOING TO LET THEM TALK ABOUT ME LIKE THAT?" Tamaki demands, grabbing Kyoya by the collar and shaking him. His head rattles around.

"I was under the impression that you were the Obnoxious Type," Kyoya replies coldly, when Tamaki lets his free.

Tamaki coughs out a heart-wrenching sob, and curls over, hunching into a corner, a dark rain cloud forming above his head, sounds of lightning and a torrential downpour echo around the Suoh mansion.

Mitskuni rushes over and pokes Tamaki hard on the back, his pink rabbit under his arm. "Aw, Tama-chan, it's okay," he says. "I kinda imagine you as a fairytale prince, you know? A charming prince in a castle full of enchanted cakes..." he becomes dreamy, but a look from Takashi snaps him out of it. "So, you'd be the Prince Type, I think."

Tamaki perks up, and flings himself across the room, somehow gracefully. He adds a twirl for effect. "Of course I am! It fits so well. Welcome Princesses, to the Ouran Host Club!" he addresses a gaggle of invisible teenage girls, waving cheerfully.

"Earth to Suoh, do you read?" the twins say blankly. They haven't moved from their spot on the sofa.

Kyoya strolls over to the _charming prince, _and waves a hand in front of his face. "Yes, Your Majesty. We have to figure out the other Types of our group," he reminds Tamaki.

"What d'ya think Takashi would be?" Mitskuni asks thoughtfully, plopping himself down next to the taller boy.

"Morinozuka-senpai, yes," Kyoya agrees, gazing pensively over top of his spectacles. "Well, wouldn't you say Tall, Dark and Handsome? Or, ah—" Kyoya makes a pained expression, similar to embarrassment but not quite, because it's Kyoya, after all. Mori stares at him.

"You don't say much, do you?" Tamaki marvels his senpai as if he's an entertaining spectacle to be marveled at. "But I don't think 'Tall, Dark and Handsome Type' particularly rolls off the tongue?"

"You know," one of the twins says suddenly, surprising even his brother. "When I look at Mori-senpai, I see this silent guy, right? But deep down, I'm sure he's a real wild animal."

The silence that follows should go down in Awkward Silence History. Mori examines his shoes with great interest.

"Um, yeah," Tamaki says slowly, cocking his head to one side. "I guess that kinda fits. Doesn't it?" They all stare at Takashi. He begins to feel like a caged animal, so maybe it does fit.

Mitskuni rumples his nose. "What, the Wild Animal Type?" he asks.

"Wild Type?" the twin who spoke earlier suggests. His brother nods.

"Wild Type, Prince Type and Lolita Type," Kyoya notes, scribbling onto a black notepad, which seemingly appears from nowhere. "We still have Hikaru and Kaoru, and me."

"Twins. You guys are twins!" Tamaki points to the Hitachiins in an accusatory fashion, looking as if he had just solved the world's most important crime.

"No, really," Hikaru and Kaoru say blankly. "Brilliant deduction," one of them adds. "He must be a genius," the other replies, tone iced in sarcasm.

"This may sound odd," Tamaki continues, his voice lowering to a stage whisper. "But, the other day, I happened across a soap opera on television. And there were these twins, see, and they—" his face has turned a putrid shade of radish. "They liked, they uh, they did _stuff_, together, you know what I mean?"

"_Stuff_?" the entire club repeats, looking horrified.

Kyoya recovers immediately, with a sweep of his silken hair. "Oh, no. Not _stuff_," he says sarcastically.

"They did stuff, yes. Stuff! I know right, and they're _related!" _Tamaki says, outrageously misinterpreting Kyoya's tone. "Hikaru and Kaoru could, you know..."

Hikaru and Kaoru are too mortified to even speak. Their mouths hang open. To think that Tamaki would even_ suggest_ that they _do stuff_ together, and to entertain girls! I mean really, they're brothers!

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Mitskuni whines, innocently hugging his bunny and cocking his head. "Takashi, do_ you _know?"

Takashi blushes, fervently shaking his head but Tamaki interrupts with a flailing motion towards Kyoya and a shout: "COOL TYPE!"

Kyoya looks up from his notepad and raises an eyebrow. "Uh, sorry, what?"

"Cool Type," Tamaki repeats, bouncing on his heels. "You're cool. So, you'd be the Cool Type."

"Ah, thank you, I think," Kyoya mutters, making note of this on the notepad. "I'm the Cool Type, then. I'll take it."

The club falls into a more comfortable silence as Kyoya continues writing who knows what. The sound of his pen itching across the paper begins to echo around the high-ceilinged room. Tamaki prances over to the sofa, sinks into it and lounges in between Takashi and Mitskuni. Mitskuni's stomach rumbles, signaling his need for sweets.

Tamaki breaks the quiet at last, saying casually: "For our first cosplay, I think—"

"We'll do it."

Everyone's eyes fly to the Hitachiin twins, who have interrupted. Kyoya smirks and says, "I'll add Brotherly Love to our list."


End file.
